Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
