No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
