My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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