You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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