Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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