I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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