look no pants
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Randomize
