Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
