College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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