i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
