The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Randomize
