and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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