So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
pray to the hookup gods
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
