I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Randomize
