then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
