Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
