No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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