He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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