We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
