I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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