She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
