I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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