I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
