I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
