You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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