no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Randomize