He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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