Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
