Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
It all started with a game of naked twister.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
