Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
