btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
