i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
