FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
