I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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