i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Randomize
