You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Do vagina's smell?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
