I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
