He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Randomize
