u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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