A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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