When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
