I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
My vagina just recognized that song.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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