She's JV to your varsity
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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