i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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