I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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