Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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