Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
