so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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