Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
