You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
