he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize