Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
