Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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