I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
