Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
