apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
My breasts were aching with rage.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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