I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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