Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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