My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
