I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
