Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize
