I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
