They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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